Why I Left My 100k Design Job and Booked a One-way Ticket to Bali
I started questioning the 9 to 5 routine 2 years into my career as an industrial designer in Singapore. It just happened that my lease was ending. The more houses I viewed the more I questioned: do I really want to pay $2500 monthly rent for a tiny concrete box and only spend 12 hours in it daily? (I need to go to the office)
I had about 25% growth in my income in 2022 and so does the rent in Singapore, my workload, and my frustration. Everything increased except my interest in life. Everything looked polished on the outside: graduated from a top university with a full scholarship and landed a corporate design job that pays 2 times more than the average.
I MADE IT, BUT where is the happiness and satisfaction that THEY promised me? Where is my equally successful cute boyfriend? THEY said things will be good and sparkly after I studied and worked hard enough. Despite the fact that I don’t even know who the hell “THEY” are.
THEY, the subconscious programs that we downloaded growing up, the beliefs we took from others. THEY might sound like:
There is not enough for everyone (we have to compete for rice)
No pain no gain
You have to work hard to earn it from others: money, love, respect…
THEY are so deeply ingrained in us that we started to believe it is part of us, our purpose. It’s like software running in us, automatically making most decisions and reactions. Unfortunately, most of the time, we don’t even know we have those programs installed in us. When we accumulate enough of those programs, it turns into the portrayed identity we live with.
I lived with my portrayed identity for so long…because of the deep fear of not being good enough to be loved. I worked hard, extremely hard to maintain the high-achiever image, so one day, hopefully, I will be loved.
PLEASE, nobody loves working hard. We work hard to feel something, to feel respected, safe, valued, loved…
Not to forget about the physical pain from hustling. Tension headache was as frequent as brunch. Often, I eat pain killer so I could continue to function as a good girl: study & work. My neck and back hurt like hell. Chiro, Physio, tui na, needling, cupping, you name it I tried it. I eventually realized that those symptoms are not gonna go away if I continue to live in my portrayed identity: thinking about the lack and feeling frustrated.
It was painful and confusing enough for me to pause and say: wait a minute, is this all I came here for? To feel drained and frustrated all the time? To live up to someone else’s expectations? NO
Do I know what I want to do after leaving my job? NOT YET
Do I want to take the responsibility to recreate my reality? YES!
…and I will keep asking: What do I want to experience myself as? Who do I want to become?
I wrote this piece in Bali, without a full-time job. It’s the first time that I don’t have a full-time title. I used to be a full-time daughter, student, then an employee. I am grateful for my willingness to pause and rethink. I am curious to see the next version of Bella :)
journey with Bella @bellzdai and @body.wisdom.co
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